It's a Wonderful Life

Yes, my final exams for this semester will start in three days, and the last paper is on 16th January. During this semester, I feel like I lacked a lot of things. I haven't been studying as much as during my first year, but that doesn't mean I played a lot either. It just, I don't think this semester is as fulfilled as past semesters. Nevertheless, I still need to prepare for my finals. So what is my expectations for all the papers? 1. TITAS (Tamadun Islam dan Tamadun Asia Tenggara) Ah, history. The dreaded subject for almost every students. Where all you need to do is read and memorize. Sound easy? Except that there's a lot. So much facts and names that need to be memorized. But I don't think it is that bad. For starters, hanging with this one friend of mine (Nik Ahmad Faris) raised my awareness to the importance of history. I haven't started reading any historical readings yet, but I try to keep my interest in it. Besides, TITAS is not all about history. ...

In the last two days, I wrote two Facebook statuses, that might be too direct. They showed how frustrated I am with some of the students around me. It has been some time since I last being direct like that. I dunno what triggered me to post that. Anyway, I've said what I feel, and I'm not regretting it. Kalau korang sentap, lagi bagus. Perhaps I am too young, that I still demand attention and appreciation. While in the world of adults, most of the things that you do will go unnoticed. Most people won't appreciate what you do. But everyone will get mad if you don't do at least as expected. I need to prepare for that. I can't be weak, I can't just expect everyone will be appreciative and thankful. It's not like I've done anything significant either. But sometimes, I do need to express what I feel. That's why I like blog. If people want to read it, they'll visit this blog. If not, they can just ignore. Simple as that. I want to start with this...

Yesterday, we met with Prof Maslina, the Vice Dean of FST. She asked me, what do I want to be in the future? Before I could respond, she asked again,"Academician?". I just nodded. Then she continued, that maybe I won't teach in Pure Math, but most likely in Statistics. She asked again, "Are you okay with it?". I replied, why not? I didn't realize it at that time, but then Nik Ahmad Faris raised this question later on: "Don't you think that the lecturers have already planned on where we [Me and Faris] should be if we were to be academicians in UKM? Why did she specifically ask you to be in Statistics department? Perhaps it is because they do have some kind of planning and consideration for us." I think he was right. For Faris, they also have some plan for him, but I leave that to him whether he wants to talk about it or not. We both are touched because even our lecturers have hopes for us, whereas in the past we both had given up with o...

So, the first half of this semester has ended, and it has been a bit of a mess. I missed a few classes, didn't do some of the assignment, made late revision for certain subjects and a bit unprepared. My discipline is a bit lower this time around, but that doesn't mean I didn't cover up for it. Alhamdulillah for my midsem exams, because I did quite well in them. As for my studies, I don't think I have much problems with them. As long as I keep on studying, doing revisions, focus in lectures and ask a lot, I should be doing fine in the other midsems and final exams. I am blessed with not having much problems in my studies and academics stuff. That's all the more reasons for me to help others in their studies. Among my batch, nothing changed much. From my point of view, most of them are still busy with their programs and events, so the first half prove to be quite challenging in term of finding suitable time to study. In fact, less of them seek help from me now...

Today's mark the end of half of this semester, and the start of midsemester break. Now is a good time to sit down and reflect on what have I done since the start of this semester up until now. One thing for sure, this semester is full of feel. I have a lot to talk about, a lot of unspoken thoughts. I'll make full use of the break to be introspective and make more improvements. All the topics are already written, just need to elaborate and then some. I pray for a blessed semester and second year. I pray for a blessed life.

Today, I met with the Head of Mathematics Program, Prof Roslinda, to discuss some matter concerning tutorial. After she looked at my nametag (saja skema pakai nametag), she said "Owh, awak la Zafree rupanya" "Macam mana Prof boleh kenal saya?" "Banyak cerita pasal awak yang saya dengar..." "Owh contoh cerita yang Prof dengar? Hehe" Hehe it made me happy. Then she continued. "Kami risau dengan student macam awak ni." (Ish, apa benda yang diorang ni risau??) "Kami risau kalau result awak jatuh di saat semester-semester yang paling mencabar. Semester yang mencabar ialah semester 1 tahun 2, semester 2 tahun 2, dan semester 1 tahun 3... Tapi insyaAllah awak boleh buat." And then we talked about the things that I wanted to discuss. Anyway, it makes me happy to know that even the lecturers are worried about me.. I promise, that I try my best in order not to fall during these difficult semesters. I'll do my b...

"If you have a goal(s), then write it down". En Saiful, my economy lecturer said this. (Actually, the effect is better if you use your handwriting rather than typing) I don't have any noble goals or anything, just a few things that I want to improve upon myself. -Maintaining/Getting Better Result- Two things that I learned during last sem. 1) I can get way better results than I can ever imagine, if I put efforts into it. 2) I shouldn't overly pressure myself. My strategies in studying are simple, yet they have proved to be effective. i) Start study earlier to replace last minute studying (alone or in group, whichever is fine depending on the situation) ii) Attend class and write down everything, even if I won't read it later iii) Make a list on what to ask, and take time to ask lecturers in their room or discuss with friends. These are the three things that I always keep in mind. For now, they are more than just fine. I still have time to play games, h...

It feels good after releasing what you have held inside your heart all this while. I'm pretty sure letting your feelings out aren't the best way of coping with stress (I've read it in one of the Cracked articles but couldn't find it), but for now, that will suffice. Sometimes, it is not about letting everyone know that we have problem. It just that we want someone to tell us that it is okay to feel weak sometimes, that it is okay to be at our rock bottom. It's not like we will forever weep and keep being sad. We are human after all, as we have feelings, and we cannot completely close our ears from listening to negative talks. There are times where we just feel sad, and it cannot be said with words or treated with reasons. That is just how human are. Then, there's no one else responsible to make us happy. Happiness is an internal thing, it comes from within ourselves, not from anyone else. If we are happy from the inside, then it is easier for us to be happy ...

One thing that I really need to keep reminding myself is that no one walked my path, so they don't have any responsibilities to either understand me or to follow the way I am right now. Lately I have been thinking that I want to help my classmates who are having troubles in their studies. If I can score well, why couldn't they? That's what I thought in the beginning. But in the end, it is up to each of them to decide for themselves. There are no guarantee that great results will lead to a better life, after all. Even for myself, it's not necessary for me to follow the exact footsteps of someone else. Yes, I may follow that person from behind but someday I need to follow my own path, so that others will do the same. After we go our own path, that is when we used what we learned from other's path and mix it up with our own flavor so that it will suit our next journey. I know this one man, whom I admired a lot due to his knowledge and resourcefulness. The way he ...

When something that we want is hard to get, we will work hard to achieve it. We pray a lot, we just do our best and be happy with whatever the outcome will be. Then come the fated day, you get what you truly want, or maybe better. That's when you know that it is not impossible to reach what you think was unreachable. You start to have higher target, or have expectations that you will get it again. This is the turning point of your expectation. When you get what you expect, you just say "good" and move on. When you don't get what you expect, you will get mad, saying that you deserve to get it. One day, you just never get what you expect. The goes for the next day, and so on. You never get what you expected anymore. Why do this happen? Then after you get what you want again, you realized how happy and excited you are. That's the feeling that you forgot for this whole time. Being grateful. Appreciate what you have and what you get. Don't let it be too late:...

"saya minat matematik sebab ayah saya ajar" "saya start minat matematik masa darjah lima, bila saya dah start faham apa yang cikgu ajar pastu rasa macam tak susah pun matematik ni!" "saya start minat matematik masa form one, sebab saya selalu dapat score tinggi" "saya cemburu dengan cousin saya dia asyik cakap dia dapat 98 dalam matematik masa darjah lima dulu, sebab tu saya belajar matematik pastu jadi minat" This is what they told me when they introduced themselves. Kids are so pure-hearted, can easily love things that they do even for the smallest reasons. As long as they believe they can do it, they will continue to love it.    Now, I want to relate this with my experiences. Not really mine, but those around me. I asked a few of my friends, why did they choose this course (Math, Stats, or Actuary). I believe I got around 7 out of 10 saying that "because I like Mathematics and numbers".  When we have an interest in...

As we go on longer into a relationship, we tend to forget that it is always the small things that matter the most actually. A father may still gives his son allowance every month, but he forgot to smile to him whenever he gave the money. A sister asking some helps from her brother, but never said thanks or showed any appreciations. A boyfriend takes his girlfriend to an expensive dinner, but forgets that all she wants is only some attentions from him and occasional words of "I love you". Humans are so arrogant, thinking that they will have everyone stay by their side forever, even if they are being asshole to them. When we forget to appreciate, we forget to let them know the little things that make them happy. When that someone gone from your life forever, don't come to them and beg for forgiveness. It might be too late to ask for forgiveness when you are too late to realize. Never forget the little things that you can do that can make a lot of differences in your...

Suddenly I had this thought that I really love studying. For now, it is specific to things that we learned in our syllabus. Yes, studying about those things that we learned in class is actually fun to me. The first time I ever feel the joy of studying was during May 2012, when I stayed up the whole night studying for my final exams at library. I studied a chapter, redo the examples and a few exercises, then if I can answer most of the questions, I move on to the next chapter. I did that for every final paper, and somehow it clicked to me that I really love studying. The whole three years at UW, I didn't study a lot. Mostly just playing games, taking my easy time there, and just relax. I didn't feel any responsibility or urge to study. I was so irresponsible back then. I hope I won't lose this feeling and this chance to study anymore. I am thankful for this third change, and I wont let it go to waste. Some people might think that I'm too 'semangat' or eager...

Result is coming out in around 24 hours. Tomorrow, I will be in Kluang, so I can only check my result through SMS. Well, UKM SMPWEB will most probably has high traffic by tomorrow anyway since everyone will be eagerly waiting in front of their laptop until the clock shows 00:00 or 12:00 AM. And also eagerly waiting to click on that "Masuk" button. Unlike last semester, the anxiety is strong in me this time. The reasons? - Afraid that I won't be able to continue my study - Afraid that my scholarship will be terminated again - I don't want to feel hopeless again - I don't want to make my family disappointed again - I still want to feel the joy of being able to study and take exams ...and many more. My feelings are everywhere right now. "Lek sudah", said him . Yeah.. I should just chill out. Whatever the result will be, I am still me. If it's good, make sure to keep it up, maintain, and improve. If it turned out not good, just make sur...

(This post is not for each one of my classmates. But if you think I am talking about you, then.. what can I say? I just hope this will help even a bit) During my whole first year in UKM, I have a bit of advantages (a lot actually) in study since I have taken most of the subjects back in the States (especially the Math subjects, but the highest that I ever got was AB, and most are below B). I perceive this as a responsibility for me to help those who need extra helps in understanding the syllabus, so I offered my help and invited my classmates to do study group from time to time. To most of my friends, I either teach too fast, too simple, or too advanced. Of course, I didn't mean to make it hard for everyone to understand. Quite the opposite actually: I want everyone to understand it in a simpler form since I feel that everyone just think about it too hard, and that makes it more difficult to understand. Why complicate things when it is actually simpler than we thought it is? ...

Almost exactly a month ago, a page with the name of UKM Confessions was created on Facebook. It is a page where people (for but not limited to UKM students) can write down anything they want and the page will post it anonymously. The confessions page is not limited to UKM, as there are a lot of other universities doing it too. But since I am studying in UKM, this page relates to me a lot. It was fun reading the confessions during its earlier days. Now? Not really. There are many problems with the page, and reading it now is more vomit-inducing and IQ-degrading. You can try to visit it here . Let me know what do you think of it. The admins of the page didn't filter most of the confessions before this, but now I can see some confessors complained that their confessions aren't being published. I don't know what is the criteria of a rejected confessions, but I know it's not helping that much. I like to leave comments on some confessions, and I even confessed a few tim...

By the time I finished this post, there will less than 96 hours before the results for our exam is out. Me in the US never cared about results. Back then, I was like "owh result does not really shows who you really are so why work so hard". Thinking back, it was just something I said to make myself feel less terrible. There are many more excuses that I gave, such as "why force us to take something that are not realted to our major?" "students should be more focused with their specialty"and such. All this excuses. I wish I never said all that. It was all just some excuses to divert myself from thinking too much about my own future, to cover up my laziness, my indecisiveness. My will to study died somewhere in 2011-2012, once. Seeing the results came up every semester didn't invoke much feeling from me. Most of the time I was just feeling indifferent. My results will be coming out in just a few days. Contrary to my past, I'm actually feeling an...

I was looking for this one particular photo on my Facebook profile to match my just-changed cover photo. Suddenly, it turned into a trip down to the memory lane. My Facebook account was created back in 2009, when I was still in INTEC. My life is INTEC is the mark for the beginning of understanding myself and the world deeper. After five years trapped in a boarding school, I get to see things in a broader view. Things regarding races, relationships, commitment, and future career. Mix all of this together, and it totally blew my mind. Then, I decided to not see things as it is, and still live in my old mindset and experiences. I was too laid back. When things are not going my way, I quickly blame it on the system. I never did confess, or even realize, that it was totally my own fault. It took me two downfalls and four years to realize what I really am (Well, not really, but at least now I think about it a lot more). I didn't really care about my pointers or studies. I really though...

With no remorse of leaving my blog for three months, here I am writing again. Alhamdulillah, I just finished my final exam last week. It was a struggle (not really), and now is a good time to take some time to look back at what I did during my whole first year in UKM. Let's start with first semester. During the first semester, I was kinda aloof and I don't really care much about my surroundings, especially my classmates. I am not really the type to start a conversation, and I don't talk much except to a few friends. But that didn't cause much trouble for me, and for everyone else (I hope). In class, I always sat in the front row, and rarely I turned back to see the faces of my classmates. I don't really ask much questions or answer it, unless on a few occasions. I remember the one who always sat in front were Ideen, Imran, Afif, Haikkal... I'm sure that's not all. I used to wear kemeja a lot, with the sleeves folded up. My participation in the clas...

We tried to be as strong as we could, but there are times where our feelings fell rock bottom. We feel vulnerable, weak, and all this negativity. We just want to run away from everything, forget everything. Run to a place where there is void of human interactions. No commitments, no compromising, no fear of hurting anyone's feeling, no need to lie.  We're just tired. Tired of all this. Give us our own time. Give us our fucking space.  We want to disappear.  Don't look for us.  Whatever happened to me, I wonder. -Emotional me-

As we go on with life, we will go through a lot of phases. We overcome difficulties and challenges, we taste defeat, we achieved sweet victory, and we meet people of different backgrounds. All the little things that we do and experience will change us on the inside bit by bit, and comparing ourselves with from where we begin, we'll realize we have changed a lot. Usually, teenagers are the one who will go through the important phases in life which will determine on what kind of adult they will be. From my experience and observation, this is the time where they are searching for their own worth. All those hormone rush will make them be more prone to what others say about them and they also have the tendency to risk themselves for the rewards they don't know they are looking for. Some will succeed in finding themselves, and some need to fall a few times before they realize who they really are. The search for "who I am" is wonderful, as you will do everything in order...

After such a long time abandoning my blog, I finally have the urge to write something. Last week, I finally got to see my result for my first semester. It turned out really good: I got 3.75. I am happy, but not as happy as I thought I would be. After all, there are still students out there who get better results than me, and I feel like I truly can achieve 4.00 now that my first result is excellent. I don't know if I can achieve better results by the next semesters or if they will be as easy as the first semester, so it feels like a wasted opportunity. Nevertheless, it is in proportion to my effort, so I am thankful. No, the ratio of my effort to my result is too big actually. I didn't put as much effort as other students (especially for Calculus and C++, thanks to my previous experiences taking the class), so there's no reason I shouldn't be thankful. Helping my friends in study group definitely played a big part in getting the good result.