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Death in the Community

All of my housemates returned to their parents' house this weekend since we have public holiday on Monday. I stayed because my mother is not home and I have exam on Tuesday.

I don't mind being alone (isn't it weird for an attention seeker?), but it is too quiet in the house so I went to the nearest surau for Zuhur prayer. To my surprise, there were a lot of people there, and the main prayer room is full, compared to the usual only 3-4 rows of jemaah.

The prayer went as usual, and I think I had more peace being surrounded by people (hoho). After the prayer, the imam announced that we will be making a prayer for the recently deceased (solat jenazah). No wonder there are a lot of people.

Looking at the scene, I can't help but remember the day when my father passed away. His body was carried from Kluang, Johor to Shah Alam, and brought to a surau nearby for solat jenazah. Today's event reminded me that a community is very important for our well-being. Just imagine, ran…
Recent posts

A Series of Weaknesses

1. Right now, I am dealing with two of my biggest problems: attention seeking behavior and anxiety from not getting responds from my trusted person, or as I call it, my refuge person.

2. This problem is not new, the first sign that I can remember is back in 2008, when I just broke up with my ex. What happened was, I tried so desperately to get the feeling of unease out of my heart that I talked to every single person that I could find (except my family members). Then it happened again back in 2010 until 2012, for the same reason as before but it has more complications.

3. So the pattern is like this: I get into a relationship -> broke up -> uneasiness takes control -> I will call or message every possible person that I could get in touch. The next time it happened was in 2013, then once again at 2015. The last time it happened was just last week, but this time it was for a different reason.

4. Only this time, I didn't contact as many person as I did back then. Only three …

Of Divergence and Curl

This semester, I am working part-time as a tutor in Calculus II. This is our second last week before study week and exam weeks, but it is only now that I realized my own goal and strength.

Usually, we just need to discuss the tutorial questions that are given by the lecturer. So I need to take a look at the questions first, solve them and explain to class on how to solve them. This is where the first source of my boredom and decreased self-worth came from. The way the tutorial is handled is boring and tiring.

Well first, I need to take some time to look at the question and write down the whole damn solutions for all questions. Usually I get help from the other tutor, Syukor, to provide me with the solutions since he is far more hardworking than I am. But as weeks go on, it gets truly exhausting and uninteresting. Look at the questions, prepare the answer, and explain to the students. My job became a chore, and I don't feel the satisfaction of doing it. I don't feel like I'…

Being Different Is Lonely

From our ages, I know that I am different from most of my classmates. Naturally, most of them are three years younger than me, but that is not the problem. In fact, I had the most fun surrounded by them. They don't treat me differently just because I'm older. I think I am blessed with the fact that there are others who are older than the average (those who were born in 1993) in the batch.
I think I am not as matured as someone of my age should. But then again, there's no guideline on how matured a person should be or how you to be a mature person. Though my guidelines are basically these two: when you can prioritize and you can be responsible towards your actions. I don't know if I have these two qualities, but I know I am working towards it, slowly but surely.
Anyway, being older doesn't make me automatically different from the others. But there are certain things that make me feel.. different, and sometimes isolated. Like at this moment of writing, I am overwhelm…

Phone Strap

I am just a normal human.
I scrolled through my gallery.
In it, I found our history together.
Pieces of us, lost in stubbornness.

The place we've visited.
The time we spent together.
The memories we built.
The smile that we share.

I thought I can let it go easily.
But I know, we humans do not forget.
No matter how much we try to ignore.
The memories always sit somewhere in our mind.

We will learn from our mistake.
We will take a step forward and move on.
But just for this once
It is alright for me to tell you

That I miss you.

Because of What Someone Said

So a few days ago, I visited Borders Bookstore in IOI City Mall to get a book for a friend of mine. Incidentally, it is also my favorite bookstore, due to its quite nice selection of books and its location from my house. Anyway, the book that I wanted to buy was The End of Average by Todd Rose. I already finished that book (I want to write about it as well later), so I recommended it to my friend and she asked me to buy one for her. I had an exam on the day after but as far as I'm concerned, reading is more important than any exams that I will most likely forgot in a few weeks.

Also, each time I visit a bookstore, I will always walk out the store with at least one book. So, besides the book that I intended to buy, I bought two other books because I found it interesting. I know, it is a truly 'good' idea to buy two books when you have an exam tomorrow. In this post, I want to talk about the reason why I picked up one of the books.

The Master Algorithm, written by Pedro Domi…

We Probably Know Nothing

Everyday we make choices, no matter how small. Sometimes we make conscious choices, sometimes we let our automatic system decide things for us. But there will be times where we are forced to make big decisions. Unless we can peer into the alternate universe, we will never know the consequences of our other choice. Therefore, we will never know if our choice is the best one or not. But that is part of being a human: we live with the consequences of our decision. 
Of course, I made a lot bad choices (but how do I know it is bad?) in my life. Sometimes I regretted it, many times I just move along, without knowing it is the preferable outcome or not. 
To all affected by my decision, I will pray for your success and happiness in your life and life hereafter. Your happiness might not directly translated into my happiness, but it is better than keep being miserable. Surely, everyone deserves to be happy, no matter how much of a sinner we are. But our choices and actions will determine whethe…