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Saturday, October 29, 2016

We Probably Know Nothing

Everyday we make choices, no matter how small. Sometimes we make conscious choices, sometimes we let our automatic system decide things for us. But there will be times where we are forced to make big decisions. Unless we can peer into the alternate universe, we will never know the consequences of our other choice. Therefore, we will never know if our choice is the best one or not. But that is part of being a human: we live with the consequences of our decision. 

Of course, I made a lot bad choices (but how do I know it is bad?) in my life. Sometimes I regretted it, many times I just move along, without knowing it is the preferable outcome or not. 

To all affected by my decision, I will pray for your success and happiness in your life and life hereafter. Your happiness might not directly translated into my happiness, but it is better than keep being miserable. Surely, everyone deserves to be happy, no matter how much of a sinner we are. But our choices and actions will determine whether that happiness will be bestowed upon us or not. But God is ever benevolent, He will provide us with happiness whether we asked for it or not, if He allows it. Our job then is to be thankful and grateful. 

Of course, I want to be the best person to the person I love. But if the other person doesn't feel the same, then it can't be forced. I pray for the best life ahead of all of us.  

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Choices and Acceptance

We all make choices everyday, and that's what makes us human. Sometimes we make choices consciously (which major to pursue, who do we want to choose for our partner) and sometimes we just unknowingly make decision (we choose the nearest food, suddenly falling in love). I don't know if animals make conscious decision though, but that is for another day.

So today I just met my mentor from my degree years, Dr Sakhinah. I'm truly happy that even after I have graduated, it is easy for me to talk to her and she is always willing to listen and give her opinions on my troubles. I have hard choices on a few things right now, so listening to her opinion make it easier for me to believe in my choices. She even praised me for my ability to make choices, instead of just running away (though I have been running away up until now, I know I shouldn't drag it anymore).

I have a friend who is currently having a hard time deciding whether he wants to quit his degree or not. Every semester he made promises, to finish his degree properly, to attend classes, go to exams and so on. But after around four years, he is still stuck in the same place. He is still with his cycle of promising and breaking his promises. I think it is all because he couldn't truly decide what he wants to do. Well other circumstances kept him from quitting, but I think if he truly wants it then he can work hard to quit and so something that he can feels better about himself. But he still decides to continue, and couldn't make himself more motivated to finish his degree. I hope the best for him, but I really think he needs to be firm with his decision.

I have a friend whom her boyfriend kept her hanging. The guy asked to end the relationship, but then he still contacted her after their breakup. That friend of mine, she couldn't move on with the guy since she loves her so much. But this guy making it worse for her since he still want to be there but just couldn't make up his mind whether he still wants her or not. It's a mental abuse at some level. He was the one who asked for breakup but still he wants to keep in touch with her directly after the break, so of course that friend of mine is confused. I believe she had thoughts like "Does he still loves me?", "what does he want from me?". "should I still keep on hoping?". Giving false hope like this should be a crime. So in the end, my friend took a bit of a courage to ask him properly to end their relationship, no more contacting each other and let both of them move on from each other. Now she is happily married to a guy who treat her better.

We will never know if our decisions are right or wrong. But at least it is better than not making any decision.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

All We Know - The Chainsmoker ft. Phoebe Ryan

Fighting flames of fire
Hang onto burning wires
We don't care anymore
Are we fading lovers?
We keep wasting colors
Maybe we should let this go

We're falling apart, still we hold together
We've passed the end, so we chase forever
'Cause this is all we know
This feeling's all we know
I'll ride my bike up to the road
Down the streets right through the city
I'll go everywhere you go
From Chicago to the coast
You tell me, "Hit this and let's go
Blow the smoke right through the window"
'Cause this is all we know

'Cause this is all we know
'Cause this is all we know

Never face each other
One bed different covers
We don't care anymore
Two hearts still beating
On with different rhythms
Maybe we should let this go

We're falling apart, still we hold together
We've passed the end, so we chase forever
'Cause this is all we know
This feeling's all we know
I'll ride my bike up to the road
Down the streets right through the city
I'll go everywhere you go
From Chicago to the coast
You tell me, "Hit this and let's go
Blow the smoke right through the window"
'Cause this is all we know

'Cause this is all we know
'Cause this is all we know

Credits all go to azlyrics.

With(out) You

Ending a four-year relationship is never easy. Of course, others have it harder, such as a divorce after decades of marriage, death of their spouse, or being cheated by a person you trust the most. We all face hardships at many points in our life. So in my case, though it is not as big as others, it still hurts me most.

We never know if we made the right decision or not, because we are not bestowed with the ability to look at the outcome of our other choices. But since we can only look at this one and only outcome, we just live with it, no matter how much we will regret it in the future.

You should know, I love(d) you so much. I never hate you as a person, and I am very sure, as of this writing and in the future, you will NEVER hate me. But it's not hate that separate us; it's indifference. It pains me to know that you don't feel anything towards me anymore. It pains me more to know that you aren't putting as much effort as I did in order to make this relationship works out. That's why I think that it is best that we part ways for now. I have been patience for a long time now, but it is time to let go. It is best that you take your time to realize what you really want, and realize that it is hard to find someone who is willing to be patience with us as much as I did.

There are many things left unsaid to you. I wish I can say so much more, but being a dude, I have my ego. So here I am, writing in this blog hoping that one day you will read this and see how much you really mean to me and how much you really need to realize that you need to change in order for you to truly appreciate whoever will come to you after this.

I know it is not easy for you. I know tears will shed, when no one is looking. I know you will take your own feelings to the grave without anyone ever finds out how much you are hurting inside. But there's nothing I can do for now, because you are the one who pushed me aside. You are the one who make me think that there are no more pieces of me in your heart. It is you who don't want to talk about your problems, or even what's going on in your life to me.

As much as it is your fault, I believe I am mostly to blame as well. I wish I can be more patience. I wish I can understand you more. I wish I can make all your problems go away. But there's so much that I can do when you don't want to communicate. So maybe I should find other way to help you without us ever communicating?

But please realize this: I will never hate you. Though the feeling of love may disappear as time flies, I can never hold any grudges or resent you. We make mistakes, but now is the time that those mistakes change you into a better lover. Otherwise, you won't learn anything. This is not the first time that you did this. Of course, I can handle it during the first few times, but I don't have limitless patience to deal with your, for lack of a better word, bullshits. I hope you realize how much it hurts me when you did what you did.

So please take your time to really reflect on what you did, what you did right and what you did wrong. Please make it one of your goals to be a better lover/spouse/partner. Please don't blame your partner for his lack of understanding when it is you who don't want to communicate with him. Please trust your partner and be honest with him. Don't kept him waiting until he starts to assume things.

This will hurts me too. I don't know if I can sleep soundly every night, thinking that what was once part of me has now gone. I know this will not be easy for you as well. But this is our choice, so we will need to live with the consequences. In this mixed feelings of anger, regret, sadness, love and compassion, I still hope that you will do your best to manage your life well and be successful in your life and career.

If you ever need me, I will be here (and of course I always have my phone with me) to help you with anything, even if the love isn't here anymore.

Added 12/10/16 11:53 PM

I know that you are busy and stressed with your work life, though I don't know how much does it affect you. But this is one thing that you should be open with me: either you are sorry that you couldn't spend much time on me, that you can't focus on me and your work in the same time, or that you just need time without me before you can get your priorities straight.

If only we were more open towards each other.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Going Back & Quit

Since the last time I wrote something on a blog, I think I have not changed that much, but I talked less about my problems. Is this a normal thing for an adult? To hide away all your pain and sadness, because we are an "adult" so we need to put up a strong appearance. Of course, it is nothing like when I was a few years younger, where I can easily open up to others to share my problems. I mean, I still can share my worries now, but there are a few things that I need to consider.

The first thing is to consider the feelings of the listener. Of course, they have their share of their problems, so we don't want to add their burden with our problems. Whether it is about work, relationship, finance or time, we all have something that make us feel less whole.

Then we need to consider our own ego and face. There's no telling what the other person might think of us if we show our weaknesses to them, so it is better to just wear a strong mask to cover up our inability to cope with our problems.

Anyway, it seems right now I am at a moment where I am deciding whether or not to quit something. For both options, there are many considerations, and also many pros and cons, so it is not something that can be easily decided. Or maybe because the choice of both is balanced, I shouldn't take a lot of time deciding it. But there are some walls making it hard for me to decide, unless if I can be a bit heartless and have never-look-back attitude.

I'll write the full story later.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Heart-Shaped Glass

As I'm getting older, I guess I am getting more tolerant with people's bad attitude. Rather than focusing on being negative and keep on feeling disappointed, let's just move on, forget it and have fun. Being positive and think positively will always help, even if I know how hard it is actually to do that. But better than spending most of our time feeling mad, sad and bad.

One thing worth of note is that usually the other party don't feel as bad as we are. Have a look at their life, they are still happy after making us feeling disappointed. While we are still pondering on "why", they just obliviously go on like everything is normal. Saying sorry may close the hole, but it won't stop the bleeding. But it won't be up to them to stop the bleeding.

The least I can do is to vent some of it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

New Blog

Hello dear readers (if you still exist somehow),

I'll be writing for more specific topics (namely reading, teaching and gaming) in my new blog. You can visit it at this link. Click it!

I have many things that I want to write and share, but Facebook doesn't seem to be fulfilling that need of mine. So please be sure to expect frequent update on my new blog! I won't abandon this blog, but I can't say if I still will write here as frequent as the new one.

Please do visit my new blog! Thank you :)