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Change, Direct and Hate

This post isn't your everyday nice post, so prepare for some harsh and unwanted words. Thank you.

(Edited on 1257 3/7/2010)

I decided tonight that I won't sleep. My sleep time is totally disordered so I need to fix it, and one of the way is to restrain my sleep once. I did this once before, and it worked. But it became distorted again by some certain event. Adjusting sleep time is never impossible. So don't say you can't do it without trying it first. Just keep your determination high, and you'll do it.

It just reminded me of something that I somehow doesn't like. I have a few friends that at least once said that "I can't change the way I am," "I am always like this," "This is like my nature," "This is just the way I am" or some other bullshit that they threw. There is no way that you can't chance yourself. You're not some elderly that can't chance themselves just because they think that they have live longer than us that they have build certain unbreakable ego (sorry if you are one of those elderly, but it is true from my observation to people around me). Changing is hard, I know, but it is never impossible. That's why I really hate those who said that kind of bullshit without ever trying first.

At least, let me give my own experience. I was very effeminate once in my life. The period was not very long, but it is long enough that I still can act like one if I want. I also learned to cat-walk that I forgot how to walk straight. Believe me. I tried to talk like how a girl would talk, and I forgot how to talk like a man. If you had met me in real life, than that should be enough evidence for you. But little by little, slowly but surely, I am still trying to be like a real boy. It had been 7 years and I am still not recovered fully until this moment. It is still getting better though~

So at least in front of me, don't say that you can never change yourself. If you don't believe me, then try to change first, WITH FULL DETERMINATION. Try to prove to me that you CAN'T change. If you still can't, then that's your proof, and I willingly accept it.

Try to change first by never saying those bullshit again. It is not that chance is impossible, only you can determine whether it is impossible or not.

There's a big difference between you CAN'T do it and you DON'T WANT to do it. For example, I know that I can live without my video games (if not, how did I survived 5 years in boarding school?) but I know I just don't want to leave them. See the difference? Don't confuse yourself with this two.

Don't be afraid of change. It is not as bad as you think. But try not to change into something worse.

Seriously, go fuck yourself if you say you can't change. Even Buddha said that nothing is permanent in this world and in Islam, only Allah is permanent, nothing else.

I am fully aware that what I wrote is just my opinion. So, if you have anything to say or refute, you are welcomed to do so and it will be very highly appreciated. No sarcasm here. I am trying to be a person who never afraid of critics. I know that behind my back, this world isn't as beautiful as what I see in front of me. Just critic me through your heart content, but be sure to present me evidence or an unbiased witness if necessary.

I am also fully aware that I can't live with the thought that everyone will like me. Every person never act the same at the back compared to what we saw in front of us. I know I need to be open and not afraid of people hating me. Just to make clear that:
- I will never expecting people to hate me
- I will never hate the person who hates me

I will only not be afraid knowing that people hate me, and it is just that. Don't do any speculation more than that, because stupid speculations only bring more hatred.

Don't be afraid to be direct with me. I hate it when people try to be fucking nice in front of me, but in reality they just hate me. Now, I am declaring that I will try to be more open when you want to be direct with me. Maybe I'll be rebellious at first, but I promise that I will digest it slowly. Right now, I don't expect any people to think that I have the credibility to talk directly with them, so I'm letting others to be direct with me first.

Comments, critics, refusal, rebuttal, or anything, just contact me.


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