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What Happened Today Is Supposed To Be A Mindset-Changer For Me

Like I said in the previous post, I know I have a lot to talk today.

1. Last Friday, I didn't wake up for my Arabic class (sad face), and didn't submit my graded homework (double sad face). But alhamdulillah my instructor did accept it when I send it in today (happy face). I am still making sure that I will never miss any class ever again. I did improve a lot during this last two weeks. Tomorrow, I will be going to meet my instructor and explain everything to him.

2. Volleyball class for today isn't as interesting as last week's, but I did get some praise like "nice serve", "nice set!" and "nice hit". My team consist of only two men (including me), and the rally usually don't last that long.

3. English class today is the best for me. We need to present about an article that we are assigned to, so that everybody in the class will generate some idea for our next assignment. The thing is, everyone in my group didn't understand much what our article is about. I had some basic ideas, so I volunteered to be the one who do all the talking (haha). What happened is that, every time I opened my mouth, everyone will start laughing. But I know I didn't spout nonsense during the presentation. I spoke clearly, and presented my own idea, not just reading the article. I'm kinda proud of myself (har har)

4.  For my Act Sci 303 midterm, I actually got an A. Alhamdulillah. I thought I got AB. We received our exam papers. Surprisingly, I only got one question with a wrong answer. All my six lost marks is from the question. But I am ok with that since that's the only question that I didn't answer fully. Hopefully I can get full mark for the next midterm. Therefore, I will put my extra effort starting from now~

p/s: By telling you my score, am I putting you under pressure? If that so, I am totally sorry...

5. Actually this evening I planned to go to gym with Shader, maybe to play basketball or volleyball. But the weather kinda turned us off, so we cancelled our plan (sad face again)

The next one will be long and emotional, so turn back now while you can. You don't have to read all this.

6. I received an email from MARA officer this evening. I'll be bold: email from MARA is never a good news. So what is inside the email? I need to explain a few situations first. 

Last semester (Fall 2010), I was scholarship-less (is that acceptable?), and supposedly, I need to pay everything by myself, including the tuition fee. But due to some situation, MARA paid it for me. So now, they are telling me that they won't be paying for my Spring 2011's tuition fee since they have paid for Fall 2010, which they shouldn't in the first place. Therefore, I need to pay the tuition fee by myself for one semester. Only after that they will pay for my next tuition fees.

I felt so reluctant to tell my parents. I thought everything is settled by now, and there will be no more big problems for me. Now, this happened to me. I am not mad with the fact that MARA won't pay my tuition fee for this semester. But I am sad with myself that I have to make things hard for my parents even further. Paying for tuition fee is not something that everyone can do.

Maybe it is better for me to just stay in Malaysia back then? I wouldn't have to deal with all this if I decided that. Why am I here anyway? Is my existence in this world is only to bring hardships to my parents? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am not questioning why this is happening to me. I know, it is my fault since the very beginning. But for things to be like this, I just don't know what to say anymore. 

Suddenly, I feel like I just don't know anything anymore.

But I did tell my parents. It's the logical thing to do. Even though I didn't hear her voices, I know that my mom is very sad about this. From her words, somehow, I know what was in her mind. But I am just afraid to reply anything. I don't know what is the right word for me to say. At that time, I wish I can just disappear.

Later, my mother sent me a message to my phone:

"Abang, walaupun mama cakap tadi it is really a challenge nak cari duit tu, mama harap abang dapat menumpukan perhatian dekat study abang. Jangan pandang belakang lagi. Take this also as a challenge for you to work harder and to prove that u can do it"

My father sent me a message through Skype:

"Abang jangan risau, papa akan usahakan untuk duit tu. abang belajar sungguh-sungguh. Ini semua Qada, Qadar dan dugaan dari Allah s.w.t. Banyak banyak beristiqfar, usaha lebih lagi."

I don't know why, but I really feel like I don't deserve to be in this family. There is no way I can pay all this to them. They deserve a better son, not someone like me. I know, the only thing I can do right now is to focus on my studies. Just, focus. Don't repeat the same mistake ever again.



I don't know how should I end this post. I am confused as you are. I just can't sort out what is in my head and heart right now. I need time.

EDIT: It't time for rational thoughts. There is absolutely nothing else I can do except moving forward and just strive for the best in my studies. I don't know if I will ever make it, but I will work smart (not really work hard) and make sure I will never fall ever again. 

Comments

  1. ‎"Barang siapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Dia akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar. Dan memberinya rezeki dari arah yang tidak disangka-sangkanya. Dan barang siapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan yang dikehendakiNya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu." (Surah at-Talaq: 2-3)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kita Bertanya, Al-Quran Menjawab:

    Kita bertanya: Kenapa aku tidak dapat apa yang aku idam-idamkan?
    Quran menjawab, "Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." (Surah al-Baqarah: 216)

    Kita bertanya: Kenapa kita rasa kecewa?
    Quran menjawab, "Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman." (Surah Ali Imran: 139)

    Kita bertanya: Bagaimana harus aku menghadapinya?
    Quran menjawab, "Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang, dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amat berat kecuali bagi orang-orang yang khusyuk." (Surah al-Baqarah: 45)

    Kita bertanya: Kepada siapakah harus aku berharap?
    Quran menjawab, "Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain daripadaNya. Hanya kepadaNya aku bertawakal." (Surah at-Taubah: 129)

    Kita berkata: Aku sedih!
    Quran menjawab, "Dan demikianlah keadaan hari-hari (kejayaan dan kesedihan) Kami pergilirkan di antara manusia (supaya menjadi pengajaran)." (Surah Ali Imran: 140)

    Kita berkata: Aku tak tahan!
    Quran menjawab, "...dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa daripada rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir." (Surah Yusuf: 87)

    Kita berkata: Sampai bilakah aku akan merana begini?
    Quran menjawab, "Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan." (Surah al-Insyirah: 5-6)

    Kita bertanya: Kenapa ujian seberat ini?
    Quran menjawab, "Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya." (Surah al-Baqarah: 286)

    ReplyDelete

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