It's a Wonderful Life

Since that is the only thing that I can do. I need to make a chicken-killing in me first, then I will pursue my own holyland. I won't put too much pressure on myself in order to change,  even if it will take a whole year for me to change. I don't want to think about changing myself anymore. The more I think, the more I am destroying myself. This time, I really want to close my heart and ears, but only if I can do that. For how long have I been blaming myself? When is the last time I did forgive myself? Since when I have been lying to myself? And it's all because of...yeah. Now I know the meaning of blackout.

I know, that I will never change, no matter how much I wanted too. I just can't. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changes shouldn't occur drastically. It's a slow and long process. Will I be able to change one day? Why do I feel like those eyes want me to change as soon as possible? I am tired, with those eyes looking. Or am I the one who have been putting the pressure to myself? I don't know what is wrong with me. Am I overly emotional for a boy? Am I not suitable for a change? Will stay this way forever? Like I said, I thought everything has settled. Now, even MARA decided to not give me my allowance for this month, after they said that they did accepted my request to continue my scholarship. I don't really care, but for how long will I make my parents going through hardships because of me? They must be really sad with me. Am I asking you too much when I just want you to reply to me once?... =( -----------...

I really appreciate how you try to forget all my wrongdoings in the past and try to be in good terms with me, after all that had happened. I am really thankful to have someone like you in my life. I really am. I really want to repay all that by giving you your time and space...But I am ashamed with myself...Why can't I have a stronger heart and the ability to believe? Why am I like this...I feel very bad about myself... I want to talk to you. I want to tell you everything. I want to hear your stories. Why can't I just let yourself be free, having your own time and space... I really hate myself ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's really hard to distract myself when all I can think about is you. I only can hope that I can endure this.

i) I know, I invited a lot of problems to myself. When I think about it, there are two kinds of problems that I have (or had) 1. The problems that are caused by my own actions - like problems with MARA, it is because I didn't study enough 2. The problems that came because I don't know how to solve problems stated at (1) - like bothering my friends, telling them about my problems ii) Not all of my problems are solved by now, but at least I will try not to cause type-2 problems. Using my own power and His help, I will try to solve type-1 problems by myself first. The best thing to do is try not to make any mistakes that will lead to type-1 problems first. Hoho will I ever achieve that iii) So right now, I know that I am alright. I don't think I have any reasons to get all emotional again. My parents and my friends have already told me a lot of things, never revealed to me before. There is no better time to change except starting for now. Of course, I never know if I w...

Like I said in the previous post, I know I have a lot to talk today. 1. Last Friday, I didn't wake up for my Arabic class (sad face), and didn't submit my graded homework (double sad face). But alhamdulillah my instructor did accept it when I send it in today (happy face). I am still making sure that I will never miss any class ever again. I did improve a lot during this last two weeks. Tomorrow, I will be going to meet my instructor and explain everything to him. 2. Volleyball class for today isn't as interesting as last week's, but I did get some praise like "nice serve", "nice set!" and "nice hit". My team consist of only two men (including me), and the rally usually don't last that long. 3. English class today is the best for me. We need to present about an article that we are assigned to, so that everybody in the class will generate some idea for our next assignment. The thing is, everyone in my group didn't understand mu...

The same emotional stuff 1. Today, I just received my result for Act Sci 303 midterm exam. Alhamdulillah, I got 84/90. I haven't asked my friends' result, but I know most of us like to keep our own scores to ourselves, so I respect that. 2. I know, a lot of people never see me actually studied for the midterm (or all exams). I know, whenever they see me, the first thing come to their mind is me playing games. Myself and study are like an antonym. Some people will question me like "How come you can get a good result while you never studied? Compared to me, I had been working my ass off bla bla bla". I don't really mind though. 3. But the way they said it is like it was wrong for me to get high marks in the first place. I didn't deserve the score. I should be getting lower. So you are saying that it is my fault to get high marks when I am not studying? 4. I know, I am the one who know myself better. I know how hard I should be studying. I know when I kno...

I thought I settled everything, but right now, all I can feel in my heart is emptiness. Got nowhere to go, got nowhere to run, got nothing to think about...everything is nothing. There is only voice one I can hear in my head. "You shouldn't be here right now"

Yes, I am a very dependent person. (So try to depend less on others) Yes, I am immature. (So know what is your priorities) Yes, I am childish. (Can't help that) Yes, I always took things for granted. (Think about how hard your parents was when they try to get your scholarship back) Yes, I am not being thankful enough to everything that I have and everything that I have been granted. (So put more use on your talents and gifts) Yes, I like to tell others about my problems because I don't know how to solve it myself. (So put more effort on solving it with your own power first) Yes, I don't know how to live my own life. (So seek for guidance from Him) Yes, I don't deserve to receive a scholarship in the first place. (You need to think a lot for this one) Yes, it is best for me to be in my own country right now. (There's no turning back now, just finish what you started) I'll disappear if it the best thing for me to do. (Why not just change myse...

Always there whenever I am in distress or when I think too much. Owh well :)

Will be gone for some time to clear up my mind and heart.