After I decided to go back to Malaysia, I have been thinking a lot. Like, how my attitude should be: Sad? Be positive? Just concentrate on what is in front? Forget? Act normal like nothing happened? Be truthful to my families and friends? Just hide it? It is hard to find the sweet spot for what should I do. Too positive, then I might not have a feeling of regret. Too sad, and I won't be able to focus on my future.
I don't particularly care what others think of me, especially if they are wrong. But, if my families and friends have something to say, that is true about myself, then I'll try my best to listen. I have a very big ego, so taking it to the heart for the first time will be hard. Reminding myself constantly will be one of the way, and something that I rarely done before. I'm not afraid of what others talk behind me, because most of them are wrong and biased. But I kind of afraid with what people going to say in front of me, because when they are prepared to be direct, that means it is likely to be true. Nevertheless, I am thankful for these people to be around me.
Blaming others won't help either. It is hard to accept that everything that happened is my own fault. Just like what a guilty people would do, I tend to shift the blame to something else. Something that is not my fault, but it is not your or anyone's fault either. That way, I won't feel bad about myself, and I won't feel bad because I don't make you feel bad. Accepting my own fault is not something that can be done with a small conviction. Even when my heart knows and accept it, it won't come out from my mouth so easily.
I know the reason why I never change. Knowing that being too sad is bad for myself, I never let myself to cry or be sad for a long time (except for only one reason/person). I'm just too positive. I know how to control my sadness, and think rationally on what to do next (again, except for emotional attachments). Not always to solve it, but on how to remove it. You can say I ran away from my problems a lot, until one day when it was big enough that I started to tell them to my mother. I am thankful that I still have my mom, and without her, I may not exist in this world anymore by now.
I want to change, but to be honest I don't know how or what changes should I make. After asking directly to a friend of mine, I still didn't get the answer, but he said "make a small change, little by little, and be constant". It's better than to make a sudden change, but won't last for even a short time.
The goal is to be able to do that thing without giving effort (sincerity), but in order to achieve that, efforts and hard works are needed (constant).