Just now my friends and I went to do some works for the upcoming Raya (not gonna write details about that)
Our time from 11 pm until 3 am is filled with laughter and sarcasm, with me teasing most of my friends (Sorry Arif, Afiqah, Yatie, Ain and Naimah for my over-the-limit jokes)
At one point after I had tease Ain Syazwi enough, someone asked something specific about me (can't remember whether it's Ain or Farah)
After hearing that question, I realized that it has been a long time since someone asked anything specific about me
Not just some typical question like "How are you?" or "Are you feeling well?"
Ask typical questions and you will get typical responses
("Yeah I'm fine", "Alhamdulillah sihat")
I guess it had been a long time since I expressed my inner thoughts to others
After 'that' incident, I've completely restrained myself from talking about my problems to others, everyone
Maybe I being too strict to myself that I've become like this
How hard it is not be able to say something to others
I want to share, but I just can't give myself to do that
Maybe it is my fault too
I never intended to open up anyway
I thought it clearly make other people become uneasy
Yeah, telling my problem to everyone
You will be targeted as a very fragile person
Since last summer begins, I never ever expressed my feelings anymore
It is just too hard
I don't want to burden others
and I cannot put myself to trust others anymore
I don't want to be close to anyone
since I don't want to hurt others again, as the impact is the same as you slap on the wall; you feel the pain too
but why I don't want to trust others?
Since it comes with a price
Even I don't want myself to be expected from others, so why bother expecting from others?
I'll just end up hurting others and myself
Maybe what I really need is an expression of my self
Maybe what I really need is something or someone to talk to
But I had left those behind without even realizing it
I'm afraid of giving, so I'd given up taking from others
I think this is the first time I felt an emptiness like this
Can I cry? Just this one? Please?