I'm Better Off As a Friend, Not a Lover

As I thought more about myself, there are a few things that become clear to me

Have you ever see kids on the street that dress up in some kind of not ordinary way just to show that they are matured than the rest of the other kids?

But in the end, they succeeded in showing that there are not really matured as to their thoughts

Just want to show what will happen if we thought that we are better at things, while actually we don't

That's what happened to me, when I thought I had become mature enough to be in love

I ended up destroying my life (not that much, but it still has some effects) and the one that I love

It won't be such a problem if it only involves me, but the thing is it affected others, which shouldn't happen

That is the devil fruit of love when it is grown with sins

The roots absorbed the nutritions of lustful feelings

How dark my life and heart and that time

I try to runaway, but it will not solve anything

So I pretend like nothing happened, and try to reminisce myself in the silence

I locked my heart from others, will not ever show it again

But it is not that easy to conceal it

It is unbearable

The weight is too heavy for me

I try to find the solutions, but nothing ever came

I shared my stories with others, but it get nowhere

One day, a friend of mine chat with me through Skype and she shared her problem with me

I gave her my opinions and maybe advices to her, and we shared some stories

That is when I felt a long forgotten feeling, that I had felt before

It is the satisfaction of helping others with their problems

Then I realized, that if I can' be happy, then I can make others happy

It is better that way

But, it is different if you come to me as a lover

I had to keep up with what you are expecting, I need to be careful so that I will not make you upset, I need to choose the right words just as you wanted

It's hard you know?

My growth and ability became limited

In the end, I felt the tension due to your expectation, and you became upset because I didn't did it as you expected

Can you see what I'm trying to say?

I'm not running away from you, and not that I wanted you to go away

I really wanted you to came to me if you have something in your chest, but keep away all those f***ing expectations

That is why I wanted you to come to as a friend

That way, I can perform better, and you can get what you want

We can share our laughter and cry together

According to my friend, a relationship can make your growth limited and close almost all possibilities in front of you

I don't want that to happen to you and to me

To tell you the truth, I'm not qualified to be a lover; not just yet

Just like a friend of mine said :

"If you want to build a relationship, make sure that the relationship is a mature one" (Nazri, Adam; 2009)

I don't want to be in a relationship where we only want our desires to be satisfied

I am tired with all the commitments that I can never commit

I realized that I can perform better in front of a friend, and not a lover

I am not that matured enough to think about commitments

I'm sorry for the bitter truth, but I'm doing this only because I care for you

Please, I'm begging you

I only want you to tolerate with me only for this one thing; not to treat me as a lover

If you can do that, then you will get all the world from me

But if you can't, then we both lost everything that ever we ever build from the first moment until now

I am not forcing you to wait for me, as there might just another man that is better than I am

I'm sorry, I am only qualified to be a friend to you, but not just any friend

You said it yourself, "Why did everyone turn to you when it come to this stuff (having problems)?"

You do approve of my ability as a friend

and you can see for yourself that I am worst as a lover

You need to face the truth, just as I did

It is never easy for me to make this decision, but once again, I did this because I care for you

I thank you for all the things that you did to me

It was beautiful, and it is until now

From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for all the things that I did

But this does not mean the end for us, there is still the sun waiting for us each day

Sorry for the harsh words

It is better for me to become a friend to all, but a lover to none than to become a lover to one, but a friend to none