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Accepting The Past

I have been writing this blog since 2008, and many things has changed since then. How I write and what I write are totally different now compared to back then. I haven't read my older posts for some time. Among all posts, there are some of my written past that I wanted to forget. Some posts that I wish I didn't write, and I truly wish to never see it again. But I rarely delete them, nor even make a big edit. I thought probably it best to just leave them the way they are.

The biggest problem is, still, I am afraid to read them. I know how I was in the past. Not just in what I wrote, but also in my way of thinking, how I see things, things that I prioritized and my maturity. I'm not completely rejecting my past, I am just afraid: simple as that.



It's like after you know you did badly on your recent test. Most of us won't even bother to check the correct answers. We just let the result comes out first then we'll see what your mistakes were. But real life is not that easy to ignore, we can't just throw away our past. It's like the more we try to hide it, the more conscious we'll become of what others will say about us. Another example would be you thought you were ugly, so you had been trying your best to be in shape, change the tone of your skin etc etc. Now you are trying your best to forget person you were in your past, and rejecting it the best way possible. You want people to always say you beautiful, you always want to be praised, you want to hear those pretty words, because you don't want to look back at what you were.

I have my own past that I am afraid to look back too. Especially during the time where I was truly fragile, completely emotional and always down for almost all the time. Every night was a sleepless night, and tears bursting out so easily. Remembering how stupid I was at that time really makes me mad at myself. I feel like hitting my head to wall for so many times. I also always imagined my body is being stabbed by around 7 knives to the area surrounding my heart.

But now, there is someone who is willing to accept my pasts. She didn't do it because I asked her to. She sincerely wants to know me better, and more than anyone else. Her simple words truly made my heart delighted, and it gives me strengths to accept my past better. There's no shame in letting people know what we used to be (but don't proudly expose it, that's dangerous). We need to accept our pasts as it is. Not to show it off to others, but for us to improve ourselves by realizing our past mistakes. Our pasts is like our shadow: it's dark and always following us, but it makes what we are today. I want to do better in the future, with my past mistakes as guidelines, not inhibiting my future.

I thank you for willing to accept me past, and your efforts for it. I am really, really in love with you.



I am glad that I didn't delete them.

Comments

  1. "dan jasad ini seakan ditusuk dengan pedang excalibur, tepat ke pusat hati"

    tiba-tiba je otak aku buat terjemahan langsung kat ayat kau -

    "I also always imagined my body is being stabbed by around 7 knives to the area surrounding my heart"

    pardon my language :|

    ReplyDelete
  2. there's nothing with your language, I believe? haha

    ReplyDelete
  3. Okay, it took a few days for me to realize the mistake in my last comment -_-

    "there's nothing wrong with your language, I believe? haha"

    this is so LOL

    ReplyDelete

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