I Am Not Going Back To United States

Just after the day I arrived, I got caught up in an accident. Now, just another week before going back to USA, I received a bad news. MARA told me that they had terminated my sponsorship. Yes, this is not a hoax. I received the letter two days ago, and now I decided to give a full story to you readers.


I am not writing this to make a shame of myself. In fact I am still sad by this, but it had to be done. I don't want you guys to repeat my mistakes.

Okay, so my sponsorship had been terminated. What happened? My CGPA. This is something that most students wondering about, do MARA look at our GPA or CGPA in the agreement? Everyone knows we can't get above 2.00 two times, but is it really GPA, or CGPA? Miss Adlina told me earlier today that MARA are looking at our CGPA. (I don't really mind talking about my results, but not here) Plus, summer semester doesn't really matter to them, so please keep that in mind.

You don't have to tell me, I know what are the reasons why my result was bad. First, it's all about motivation. I don't really have the motivation to study there. I know, with all the responsibilities and expectation from my parents and sponsor, I need to get the job well done. But I don't think I am too interested with actuarial science. That's why I didn't really did well. But the most important reason is my laziness. I shouldn't be so damn lazy even though I am doing something that I don't really know what it will make me become. But I did became lazy and unmotivated. During all my life, my path had been set up for me, and that's why it's easy for me to score until my time at high school. I should realized that from the moment I set my feet in Madison, or even before that, that my path in Madison should be created by myself. But my past successes had blinded me for good, and now I have to pay (also literally) for the consequences.

My addiction to video games are to blame too. I don't blame the games, but I blame myself for not controlling myself. But it's not playing games that hindered me from studying, it's because I don't want to study that I play games. Nevertheless, I pledge to myself that I will decrease my time playing games little by little, and give a lot of spaces for myself to study and do other stuff. Burn fat, maybe?

Now that I won't be studying in US anymore, I planned to continue my studying in Degree of Mathematics in UiTM. Hopefully I will have better chances with subjects that I like. Of course, my determinations are important too. For the time being, I will be working at a company my sister is currently working, and I will be working for six weeks, entering data and stuff starting next week.

This incident not only hit me hard in the head, it's more like throwing me into a bottomless pits where I can do nothing but cry alone. Thankfully, my family are very supportive, and I will never ever again abuse their kindness. I'll make sure that I will make them happy and lead a happy life. I had been a jerk for not listening to them, and this is what I get.

I personally regret of what I did. I know I can do better, it's just that I didn't want to. I disappoint everyone around me. I met my INTEC lecturer today, and she said she didn't expected me to be the one who got expelled my MARA, among all people. I hope this situation will make me more mature and aware of all my responsibilities and burdens that I carry. I promise I won't grow up being a useless adult one day. I will never go against my parents anymore.

To all my friends out there, especially who are going to US (or just arrived), don't ever let you and your friends return to Malaysia like this. You guys have a bright future waiting in front of you (not that I don't!), so don't waste it (like I did). I know, I don't really have connection with all of you, but at least you can take lesson from my consequences here. I don't want you guys to have the same fate as I am currently in.

I know He has another plan for me, so I am positive that my path will not end here. He know what is right or wrong for me :)

To my friends in Madison, I am sorry that we can't have a proper goodbye. I know you guys won't miss me that much, but I'll miss you guys a lot. Damn lot. I will never be there for every birthday party you throw. I will never be there when you guys celebrate Eid. I will never see you guys laughing out loud like crazy again. I will never play volleyball at Midwest Games again.

I will never see Irshaad's cute face (and stomach)
I will never hear Khairi's inability to pronounce 'r'
I will never hear stupid jokes of Nazwan
I will never see Shasha watching WWE
I will never play volleyball with Naqib and Adam
I will never hear Ili's and Arif's voices singing Britney's songs
I will never see Aziz going to gym
Will never see Syazwi and Zainal rocking out
I will never hear Raja talking about tech stuff
Even Muyak's "What the?" face
Hearing Coco's and Nani's loud voice
Naimah and Farah gaduh ntah apa2
Yatie making jokes but she laugh first
Sarah marah macam mak orang
Never gonna see Aqilah makes sarcasm quotes
Afiqah, Bella and Yasmin cheerful-ness
Never will make fun of Leynn

And that only includes some of you.

My hopes are, you guys will graduate with flying colors with no problems. Enjoy the life there and don't ngumpat-ngumpat (I know I did a lot :p). Listen to your parents and don't ever make them sad or disappointed. I don't need to tell you guys to study hard since I know you guys are better than me :) It's enough for me to be send back to Malaysia, and please don't make the count increases.

I will miss you all, and hopefully our path will cross again someday. This summer is the last time I met most of you, and I'll meet you again on the next summer. I really wish I can see you guys one last time.

-zafree-

*sentences in bold are added after I had published this post