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A Series of Weaknesses

1. Right now, I am dealing with two of my biggest problems: attention seeking behavior and anxiety from not getting responds from my trusted person, or as I call it, my refuge person.

2. This problem is not new, the first sign that I can remember is back in 2008, when I just broke up with my ex. What happened was, I tried so desperately to get the feeling of unease out of my heart that I talked to every single person that I could find (except my family members). Then it happened again back in 2010 until 2012, for the same reason as before but it has more complications.

3. So the pattern is like this: I get into a relationship -> broke up -> uneasiness takes control -> I will call or message every possible person that I could get in touch. The next time it happened was in 2013, then once again at 2015. The last time it happened was just last week, but this time it was for a different reason.

4. Only this time, I didn't contact as many person as I did back then. Only three persons became my 'victim' (sorry guys) compared to more than ten when it happened before. Yeah, I know I'm the worst. I thought I am getting better at this, but there are still some few things that I need to accept about myself, and forgive myself.

5. a. Speaking of forgiving, there's only one person right now that I regretted saying to them that I had already forgiven them. The more I talked to that person, the more I realized that that person never really cared about me, and to that person, I am just a bother. But that person never said this straight to my face, or even try to deal with the feeling properly. Over the years, that person became indifferent towards me, and it took me months before I finally realized it myself and took the matter to that person. Of course, what she did was, she threw me away and never fought for our bonds.

5.b. I just realized how much I hated that person. How much I want that person to suffer, just like how I did, with someone else doing the same thing that that person did to me. How much I despised the fact that we even had bonds. How much I want that person to feel the helplessness of being unappreciated after they had work so hard to make things work. I don't need one more day of you wasting me away.

5.c. For just a while, please let me become selfish and unforgiving. I am tired for being selfless for you and too forgiving for this past 5 years of knowing you. But I know, the moment you get in touch with me, I'll forget and forgive everything. Is that a sign of weakness, or a sign of strength?

6. Back when I had this refuge person for me, I don't really crave for attention of others. But I do crave for the attention from that person so much. I guess it is when the person is gone that I will become so desperate to find the next refuge person, and I'll contact every single possible next refuge person.

7. So right now, I don't really have a dedicated refuge person, which is fine because it somewhat forces me to become my own refuge person (or just more independent). But then another problem comes: I seek attention of others.

8. Specifically, I just want others to know my current updates in life. I want others to know the good things that I did on that day. I want others to know that I'm doing okay right now. I want others to know that I am not alright. Basically, I still just need someone to lean on, but since I don't have one, I go for the masses, in hope of finding one.

9.a. I'm jumping stories here, but I want to focus on what happened to me during my time with one of my ex. She is not the worst person out there, but she is my worst ex. I mean, she IS a good person but she is not a good lover towards me (I dunno if she's good with her other lover, but whatever). I rarely feel that I am loved by her, and it always feels like she was just stuck with me, unable to say the words. Probably due to her regrets but I'll never know and I don't want to know either. She was always there, but she herself was never there. So I never got the attention I craved for, and it hurts me so much but I never expressed this. I always thought that "that is how she is" and "I'd be selfish if I demand too much" so I sucked it up so fucking much.

9.b. It is also during my time with her that I always felt physical pain in my chest. I'm not kidding. The pain was sometimes sharp, and most of the time felt dull, like someone poke my heart with the back of a pencil. It happened almost every day, that I went to doctor to check if there's something wrong (not to mention that around that time, my father had a heart attack). I explained to the doctor, and he checked using ECG, but found nothing wrong with it. I was relieved that there's nothing wrong, but also quite disappointed because the pain were real. Real enough that I got really scared, but had no evidence on it.

9.c. But ever since I broke up with her, the pain never comes back.

10. I know, most people will think that I am just being dramatic and it is just part of me wanting attention. So this is what it feels like when you don't have anyone that you can truly count on. Or even someone that can understand what you are going through. But I'm lucky there's one person who understands, because she is also going through a difficult part of herself that she never asked in the first place, and her condition is much worse that mine. My other trusted person, well, that person really likes to keep me hanging. So much for all the sweet talks that you said to me. "Best friend"? Please.

11. Some will tell me something like "pray more", "get real", "you are not trying hard enough" or "others have it much worse", and those people don't understand. Do you think I never prayed for this problem to go away? Do you think I'm just faking my emotions? Do you think I never tried to be a better me? Are you saying my problem is not real?

12. Most of the time, I am holding on and this doesn't bother me as much. But when my anxiety comes, I know how fucked up my thinking and emotions can be. It is not a nice feeling, and it is never something that I ever asked. It never feels good to have this messed up emotions. It is not that I never tried to get it over.

13. I thought I can just overcome it sooner or later. But now that I at least recognized my problems, I am trying to find the best way to make peace with them.

14. If you are one of the people who annoyed by my attention seeking behavior, I do apologize. But please never leave my side, as I truly need you. If I am being a bother, please just tell me. Please don't give me the silent treatment.

15. Please pray for me.

Comments

  1. Sorry to hear this Zap. You can always message with me you know. And I love talking about knowledge with you. I wish we can spend time together like in the old days but I guess communicating via Facebook is alright too, and sometimes we can hang out..

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