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Being Different Is Lonely

From our ages, I know that I am different from most of my classmates. Naturally, most of them are three years younger than me, but that is not the problem. In fact, I had the most fun surrounded by them. They don't treat me differently just because I'm older. I think I am blessed with the fact that there are others who are older than the average (those who were born in 1993) in the batch.

I think I am not as matured as someone of my age should. But then again, there's no guideline on how matured a person should be or how you to be a mature person. Though my guidelines are basically these two: when you can prioritize and you can be responsible towards your actions. I don't know if I have these two qualities, but I know I am working towards it, slowly but surely.

Anyway, being older doesn't make me automatically different from the others. But there are certain things that make me feel.. different, and sometimes isolated. Like at this moment of writing, I am overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness. I am not sure exactly what triggered this feeling, it started a few days ago. I have some general ideas, but I am not satisfied with my own explanation. I know as well, that finding the root of the problem is not always the right way to solve this, so I tried to get out more, meet old friends and try to talk to many people as I can. 

I truly want to talk to others about this stupid feeling I'm having. I know how bad it is to bottle up my own feelings (someone just remind me this last week). I know there are a few people who are willing to listen. But sometimes I feel like they try to prevent me from talking about my problem by jumping topics or jumping to solutions. I don't feel like I was being heard, I feel like I am being a burden. 

I know everyone has their own problems, so it is not that I can simply ask them to hear what am I going to say. But is it too much to ask to have someone who is willing to listen to me? Am I myself a bad listener, that this is my punishment for not listening to others? Or is this just another test to make me come out stronger once I get over it? 

Am I the only one feeling like this? Am I the only one who succumbed to this feeling? Am I the only who write stupid emotional shit like this? Why everybody else seems to be in control of their life and emotions? Why am I so weak? Why am I so desperate for human connections? Am I weird? Am I too old to be feeling like this? 

This is not a new feeling. I know this despair from years back. But I thought I already overcome it at some point. I thought I had. 

Comments

  1. One thing for sure, I can tell you that you are not alone. There are people out there (including me) feel weak in controlling our emotions at times. It's ok. There's nothing wrong to feel so because we are human beings, bounded to limited abilities. Though it seems most people have their controls upon their life and emotions, again, I'd like to remind you, they do have their lowest points :)
    You're doing great and writing out this post isn't some stupid shit stuff. Take care of yourself. Cheers :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not fair for my first comment to be from you!

      My problem is that sometimes I feel like I am too desperate for attention. Definitely not as bad and as frequent as back in the States, but once the feeling comes, I can't really sit down :( And I'm sure you understand how does it feel when you know that you have to control it, you know the reason why you need to control it and you know how bad it is going to be if you are not in control, but stuff happens. Okay I'm just adding another rant here haha.

      Since I know you managed to slowly crawl out from that hellish depth of negative feelings (and getting better each time), there's no reason for me not to be able to do the same thing yea?

      Thanks Farahin for your kind words :) This brings me back to the old days.

      Delete
  2. embrace the loneliness!!!! then you can find solace in it

    ReplyDelete

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