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With(out) You

Ending a four-year relationship is never easy. Of course, others have it harder, such as a divorce after decades of marriage, death of their spouse, or being cheated by a person you trust the most. We all face hardships at many points in our life. So in my case, though it is not as big as others, it still hurts me most.

We never know if we made the right decision or not, because we are not bestowed with the ability to look at the outcome of our other choices. But since we can only look at this one and only outcome, we just live with it, no matter how much we will regret it in the future.

You should know, I love(d) you so much. I never hate you as a person, and I am very sure, as of this writing and in the future, you will NEVER hate me. But it's not hate that separate us; it's indifference. It pains me to know that you don't feel anything towards me anymore. It pains me more to know that you aren't putting as much effort as I did in order to make this relationship works out. That's why I think that it is best that we part ways for now. I have been patience for a long time now, but it is time to let go. It is best that you take your time to realize what you really want, and realize that it is hard to find someone who is willing to be patience with us as much as I did.

There are many things left unsaid to you. I wish I can say so much more, but being a dude, I have my ego. So here I am, writing in this blog hoping that one day you will read this and see how much you really mean to me and how much you really need to realize that you need to change in order for you to truly appreciate whoever will come to you after this.

I know it is not easy for you. I know tears will shed, when no one is looking. I know you will take your own feelings to the grave without anyone ever finds out how much you are hurting inside. But there's nothing I can do for now, because you are the one who pushed me aside. You are the one who make me think that there are no more pieces of me in your heart. It is you who don't want to talk about your problems, or even what's going on in your life to me.

As much as it is your fault, I believe I am mostly to blame as well. I wish I can be more patience. I wish I can understand you more. I wish I can make all your problems go away. But there's so much that I can do when you don't want to communicate. So maybe I should find other way to help you without us ever communicating?

But please realize this: I will never hate you. Though the feeling of love may disappear as time flies, I can never hold any grudges or resent you. We make mistakes, but now is the time that those mistakes change you into a better lover. Otherwise, you won't learn anything. This is not the first time that you did this. Of course, I can handle it during the first few times, but I don't have limitless patience to deal with your, for lack of a better word, bullshits. I hope you realize how much it hurts me when you did what you did.

So please take your time to really reflect on what you did, what you did right and what you did wrong. Please make it one of your goals to be a better lover/spouse/partner. Please don't blame your partner for his lack of understanding when it is you who don't want to communicate with him. Please trust your partner and be honest with him. Don't kept him waiting until he starts to assume things.

This will hurts me too. I don't know if I can sleep soundly every night, thinking that what was once part of me has now gone. I know this will not be easy for you as well. But this is our choice, so we will need to live with the consequences. In this mixed feelings of anger, regret, sadness, love and compassion, I still hope that you will do your best to manage your life well and be successful in your life and career.

If you ever need me, I will be here (and of course I always have my phone with me) to help you with anything, even if the love isn't here anymore.

Added 12/10/16 11:53 PM

I know that you are busy and stressed with your work life, though I don't know how much does it affect you. But this is one thing that you should be open with me: either you are sorry that you couldn't spend much time on me, that you can't focus on me and your work in the same time, or that you just need time without me before you can get your priorities straight.

If only we were more open towards each other.

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