It's a Wonderful Life

My current emotional state is like this: I am sitting in a room. The door and the windows are open. I let things and people come in freely, and I will entertain anyone who enters my room. But I, for sure, will not come out of that room. The room is open but the mental barrier is there.

I want to admit on how much I rely on others to make me happy. The easiest example would be during my study. It is really hard for me to just study for my own sake. All this time, for all the good results that I got, the credits go to all of my friends who asked for my help to teach them (special mention goes to Yan for always believing that I can help with her studies throughout degree). Back in the States, I was always alone, especially when it involves my studies. Long story short, my results were as bad as they could be. Not being able to study with others demotivated me. Then, during my first Masters studies (full research), I was living in solidarity. Hence the reason why I cannot finish my study. Right now, I am happy with the fact that I have more friends to study with, but I don't want to simply depend on others. When others seek for my help, I was the one who actually received the help. It empowers me to help others, which is a good thing, but it is bad when I alway...

All of my housemates returned to their parents' house this weekend since we have public holiday on Monday. I stayed because my mother is not home and I have exam on Tuesday. I don't mind being alone (isn't it weird for an attention seeker?), but it is too quiet in the house so I went to the nearest surau for Zuhur prayer. To my surprise, there were a lot of people there, and the main prayer room is full, compared to the usual only 3-4 rows of jemaah. The prayer went as usual, and I think I had more peace being surrounded by people (hoho). After the prayer, the imam announced that we will be making a prayer for the recently deceased (solat jenazah). No wonder there are a lot of people. Looking at the scene, I can't help but remember the day when my father passed away. His body was carried from Kluang, Johor to Shah Alam, and brought to a surau nearby for solat jenazah. Today's event reminded me that a community is very important for our well-being. Just imagine...

1. Right now, I am dealing with two of my biggest problems: attention seeking behavior and anxiety from not getting responds from my trusted person, or as I call it, my refuge person. 2. This problem is not new, the first sign that I can remember is back in 2008, when I just broke up with my ex. What happened was, I tried so desperately to get the feeling of unease out of my heart that I talked to every single person that I could find (except my family members). Then it happened again back in 2010 until 2012, for the same reason as before but it has more complications. 3. So the pattern is like this: I get into a relationship -> broke up -> uneasiness takes control -> I will call or message every possible person that I could get in touch. The next time it happened was in 2013, then once again at 2015. The last time it happened was just last week, but this time it was for a different reason. 4. Only this time, I didn't contact as many person as I did back then. Only t...

This semester, I am working part-time as a tutor in Calculus II. This is our second last week before study week and exam weeks, but it is only now that I realized my own goal and strength. Usually, we just need to discuss the tutorial questions that are given by the lecturer. So I need to take a look at the questions first, solve them and explain to class on how to solve them. This is where the first source of my boredom and decreased self-worth came from. The way the tutorial is handled is boring and tiring. Well first, I need to take some time to look at the question and write down the whole damn solutions for all questions. Usually I get help from the other tutor, Syukor, to provide me with the solutions since he is far more hardworking than I am. But as weeks go on, it gets truly exhausting and uninteresting. Look at the questions, prepare the answer, and explain to the students. My job became a chore, and I don't feel the satisfaction of doing it. I don't feel like I...

From our ages, I know that I am different from most of my classmates. Naturally, most of them are three years younger than me, but that is not the problem. In fact, I had the most fun surrounded by them. They don't treat me differently just because I'm older. I think I am blessed with the fact that there are others who are older than the average (those who were born in 1993) in the batch. I think I am not as matured as someone of my age should. But then again, there's no guideline on how matured a person should be or how you to be a mature person. Though my guidelines are basically these two: when you can prioritize and you can be responsible towards your actions. I don't know if I have these two qualities, but I know I am working towards it, slowly but surely. Anyway, being older doesn't make me automatically different from the others. But there are certain things that make me feel.. different, and sometimes isolated. Like at this moment of writing, I am ove...