It's a Wonderful Life

It was the day of festival, where Muslims all over the world celebrates Eid al-Adha. As usual, most people go back to their parents or grandparents house to celebrate it with their family. On Instagram, everyone was posting their best pictures on that day, showing how happy they are with their family, the delicious foods that they ate, or  how beautiful their hometown is. Those posts made me really unhappy. I don't have any trouble of others being happy. In fact, I believe no one should be overly sad or to suffer from anything bad. The problem lies when I start to compare myself with them. Why am I so unhappy on this day? How can they smile so radiantly while I am here feeling miserable with myself? I can also post some pictures and try to smile as genuinely as I can, but I know deep down inside, I will be mostly faking it. Being in this world nowadays where there are too much information to absorb (or being shoved to your face), the information that 'everyone is happy wi

My current emotional state is like this: I am sitting in a room. The door and the windows are open. I let things and people come in freely, and I will entertain anyone who enters my room. But I, for sure, will not come out of that room. The room is open but the mental barrier is there.

I want to admit on how much I rely on others to make me happy. The easiest example would be during my study. It is really hard for me to just study for my own sake. All this time, for all the good results that I got, the credits go to all of my friends who asked for my help to teach them (special mention goes to Yan for always believing that I can help with her studies throughout degree). Back in the States, I was always alone, especially when it involves my studies. Long story short, my results were as bad as they could be. Not being able to study with others demotivated me. Then, during my first Masters studies (full research), I was living in solidarity. Hence the reason why I cannot finish my study. Right now, I am happy with the fact that I have more friends to study with, but I don't want to simply depend on others. When others seek for my help, I was the one who actually received the help. It empowers me to help others, which is a good thing, but it is bad when I alway