It's a Wonderful Life

It was the day of festival, where Muslims all over the world celebrates Eid al-Adha. As usual, most people go back to their parents or grandparents house to celebrate it with their family. On Instagram, everyone was posting their best pictures on that day, showing how happy they are with their family, the delicious foods that they ate, or  how beautiful their hometown is. Those posts made me really unhappy. I don't have any trouble of others being happy. In fact, I believe no one should be overly sad or to suffer from anything bad. The problem lies when I start to compare myself with them. Why am I so unhappy on this day? How can they smile so radiantly while I am here feeling miserable with myself? I can also post some pictures and try to smile as genuinely as I can, but I know deep down inside, I will be mostly faking it. Being in this world nowadays where there are too much information to absorb (or being shoved to your face), the information that 'everyone is happy wi...

My current emotional state is like this: I am sitting in a room. The door and the windows are open. I let things and people come in freely, and I will entertain anyone who enters my room. But I, for sure, will not come out of that room. The room is open but the mental barrier is there.

I want to admit on how much I rely on others to make me happy. The easiest example would be during my study. It is really hard for me to just study for my own sake. All this time, for all the good results that I got, the credits go to all of my friends who asked for my help to teach them (special mention goes to Yan for always believing that I can help with her studies throughout degree). Back in the States, I was always alone, especially when it involves my studies. Long story short, my results were as bad as they could be. Not being able to study with others demotivated me. Then, during my first Masters studies (full research), I was living in solidarity. Hence the reason why I cannot finish my study. Right now, I am happy with the fact that I have more friends to study with, but I don't want to simply depend on others. When others seek for my help, I was the one who actually received the help. It empowers me to help others, which is a good thing, but it is bad when I alway...

All of my housemates returned to their parents' house this weekend since we have public holiday on Monday. I stayed because my mother is not home and I have exam on Tuesday. I don't mind being alone (isn't it weird for an attention seeker?), but it is too quiet in the house so I went to the nearest surau for Zuhur prayer. To my surprise, there were a lot of people there, and the main prayer room is full, compared to the usual only 3-4 rows of jemaah. The prayer went as usual, and I think I had more peace being surrounded by people (hoho). After the prayer, the imam announced that we will be making a prayer for the recently deceased (solat jenazah). No wonder there are a lot of people. Looking at the scene, I can't help but remember the day when my father passed away. His body was carried from Kluang, Johor to Shah Alam, and brought to a surau nearby for solat jenazah. Today's event reminded me that a community is very important for our well-being. Just imagine...

1. Right now, I am dealing with two of my biggest problems: attention seeking behavior and anxiety from not getting responds from my trusted person, or as I call it, my refuge person. 2. This problem is not new, the first sign that I can remember is back in 2008, when I just broke up with my ex. What happened was, I tried so desperately to get the feeling of unease out of my heart that I talked to every single person that I could find (except my family members). Then it happened again back in 2010 until 2012, for the same reason as before but it has more complications. 3. So the pattern is like this: I get into a relationship -> broke up -> uneasiness takes control -> I will call or message every possible person that I could get in touch. The next time it happened was in 2013, then once again at 2015. The last time it happened was just last week, but this time it was for a different reason. 4. Only this time, I didn't contact as many person as I did back then. Only t...

This semester, I am working part-time as a tutor in Calculus II. This is our second last week before study week and exam weeks, but it is only now that I realized my own goal and strength. Usually, we just need to discuss the tutorial questions that are given by the lecturer. So I need to take a look at the questions first, solve them and explain to class on how to solve them. This is where the first source of my boredom and decreased self-worth came from. The way the tutorial is handled is boring and tiring. Well first, I need to take some time to look at the question and write down the whole damn solutions for all questions. Usually I get help from the other tutor, Syukor, to provide me with the solutions since he is far more hardworking than I am. But as weeks go on, it gets truly exhausting and uninteresting. Look at the questions, prepare the answer, and explain to the students. My job became a chore, and I don't feel the satisfaction of doing it. I don't feel like I...

From our ages, I know that I am different from most of my classmates. Naturally, most of them are three years younger than me, but that is not the problem. In fact, I had the most fun surrounded by them. They don't treat me differently just because I'm older. I think I am blessed with the fact that there are others who are older than the average (those who were born in 1993) in the batch. I think I am not as matured as someone of my age should. But then again, there's no guideline on how matured a person should be or how you to be a mature person. Though my guidelines are basically these two: when you can prioritize and you can be responsible towards your actions. I don't know if I have these two qualities, but I know I am working towards it, slowly but surely. Anyway, being older doesn't make me automatically different from the others. But there are certain things that make me feel.. different, and sometimes isolated. Like at this moment of writing, I am ove...

I am just a normal human. I scrolled through my gallery. In it, I found our history together. Pieces of us, lost in stubbornness. The place we've visited. The time we spent together. The memories we built. The smile that we share. I thought I can let it go easily. But I know, we humans do not forget. No matter how much we try to ignore. The memories always sit somewhere in our mind. We will learn from our mistake. We will take a step forward and move on. But just for this once It is alright for me to tell you That I miss you.

So a few days ago, I visited Borders Bookstore in IOI City Mall to get a book for a friend of mine. Incidentally, it is also my favorite bookstore, due to its quite nice selection of books and its location from my house. Anyway, the book that I wanted to buy was The End of Average by Todd Rose. I already finished that book (I want to write about it as well later), so I recommended it to my friend and she asked me to buy one for her. I had an exam on the day after but as far as I'm concerned, reading is more important than any exams that I will most likely forgot in a few weeks. Also, each time I visit a bookstore, I will always walk out the store with at least one book. So, besides the book that I intended to buy, I bought two other books because I found it interesting. I know, it is a truly 'good' idea to buy two books when you have an exam tomorrow. In this post, I want to talk about the reason why I picked up one of the books. This post is totally not paid for adve...

Everyday we make choices, no matter how small. Sometimes we make conscious choices, sometimes we let our automatic system decide things for us. But there will be times where we are forced to make big decisions. Unless we can peer into the alternate universe, we will never know the consequences of our other choice. Therefore, we will never know if our choice is the best one or not. But that is part of being a human: we live with the consequences of our decision.  Of course, I made a lot bad choices (but how do I know it is bad?) in my life. Sometimes I regretted it, many times I just move along, without knowing it is the preferable outcome or not.  To all affected by my decision, I will pray for your success and happiness in your life and life hereafter. Your happiness might not directly translated into my happiness, but it is better than keep being miserable. Surely, everyone deserves to be happy, no matter how much of a sinner we are. But our choices and actions will d...

We all make choices everyday, and that's what makes us human. Sometimes we make choices consciously (which major to pursue, who do we want to choose for our partner) and sometimes we just unknowingly make decision (we choose the nearest food, suddenly falling in love). I don't know if animals make conscious decision though, but that is for another day. So today I just met my mentor from my degree years, Dr Sakhinah. I'm truly happy that even after I have graduated, it is easy for me to talk to her and she is always willing to listen and give her opinions on my troubles. I have hard choices on a few things right now, so listening to her opinion make it easier for me to believe in my choices. She even praised me for my ability to make choices, instead of just running away (though I have been running away up until now, I know I shouldn't drag it anymore). I have a friend who is currently having a hard time deciding whether he wants to quit his degree or not. Every seme...

Fighting flames of fire Hang onto burning wires We don't care anymore Are we fading lovers? We keep wasting colors Maybe we should let this go We're falling apart, still we hold together We've passed the end, so we chase forever 'Cause this is all we know This feeling's all we know I'll ride my bike up to the road Down the streets right through the city I'll go everywhere you go From Chicago to the coast You tell me, "Hit this and let's go Blow the smoke right through the window" 'Cause this is all we know 'Cause this is all we know 'Cause this is all we know Never face each other One bed different covers We don't care anymore Two hearts still beating On with different rhythms Maybe we should let this go We're falling apart, still we hold together We've passed the end, so we chase forever 'Cause this is all we know This feeling's all we know I'll ride my bike up to the road Down the streets right through the...

Ending a four-year relationship is never easy. Of course, others have it harder, such as a divorce after decades of marriage, death of their spouse, or being cheated by a person you trust the most. We all face hardships at many points in our life. So in my case, though it is not as big as others, it still hurts me most. We never know if we made the right decision or not, because we are not bestowed with the ability to look at the outcome of our other choices. But since we can only look at this one and only outcome, we just live with it, no matter how much we will regret it in the future. You should know, I love(d) you so much. I never hate you as a person, and I am very sure, as of this writing and in the future, you will NEVER hate me. But it's not hate that separate us; it's indifference. It pains me to know that you don't feel anything towards me anymore. It pains me more to know that you aren't putting as much effort as I did in order to make this relationship w...

Since the last time I wrote something on a blog, I think I have not changed that much, but I talked less about my problems. Is this a normal thing for an adult? To hide away all your pain and sadness, because we are an "adult" so we need to put up a strong appearance. Of course, it is nothing like when I was a few years younger, where I can easily open up to others to share my problems. I mean, I still can share my worries now, but there are a few things that I need to consider. The first thing is to consider the feelings of the listener. Of course, they have their share of their problems, so we don't want to add their burden with our problems. Whether it is about work, relationship, finance or time, we all have something that make us feel less whole. Then we need to consider our own ego and face. There's no telling what the other person might think of us if we show our weaknesses to them, so it is better to just wear a strong mask to cover up our inability to cop...

As I'm getting older, I guess I am getting more tolerant with people's bad attitude. Rather than focusing on being negative and keep on feeling disappointed, let's just move on, forget it and have fun. Being positive and think positively will always help, even if I know how hard it is actually to do that. But better than spending most of our time feeling mad, sad and bad. One thing worth of note is that usually the other party don't feel as bad as we are. Have a look at their life, they are still happy after making us feeling disappointed. While we are still pondering on "why", they just obliviously go on like everything is normal. Saying sorry may close the hole, but it won't stop the bleeding. But it won't be up to them to stop the bleeding. The least I can do is to vent some of it.

Hello dear readers (if you still exist somehow), I'll be writing for more specific topics (namely reading, teaching and gaming) in my new blog. You can visit it at this link . Click it! I have many things that I want to write and share, but Facebook doesn't seem to be fulfilling that need of mine. So please be sure to expect frequent update on my new blog! I won't abandon this blog, but I can't say if I still will write here as frequent as the new one. Please do visit my new blog ! Thank you :)

Suddenly I got the urge to write again. I don't know if anyone still visit my blog anymore, but it doesn't hurt to still keep on writing. Okay, so for an update on what am I currently doing. As of now, there are three major things happening in my life: 1. Internship/Practical at Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) As of my university's terms (Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, UKM), we need to complete a ten-week internship in order to graduate. So here I am, writing a blog post at my desk in UPM. Now I am at the middle of the fifth week, so around four and a half week left. Our tasks here depend on our supervisor. One of my friends is doing on phone lock system, another one is doing numerical method, and another one is helping her supervisor's research. As for me, I think mine is a bit unique. After seeing my resume, my supervisor decided to help me add my experience in teaching programming. I have been teaching, or least facilitating, in Mathematical Olympiads for a...

I remember the time where I used to pour almost everything on this site. Whenever I feel down, I write. Whenever I am about to cry or already crying, I write. Whenever I am feeling emotional, I write. Whenever I want to tell something but I can't talk to the person, I write, hoping that that person would read it. "Still annoying?" she asked. I know the answer to that. I don't know if I changed much since last time. I do know that I focused more on my studies, being around friends a lot more, and see lecturers more often. But I do less on sports and workouts though. Hurm. There's only one year left before graduation. Or to phrase it in a better way, there's a whole year left for me to settle what is left undone. It can be short or long depending on what I want to achieve. My second year seems short, because I really want it to end. I want to forget a this one thing that I am not focusing on what is more important. Starting next semester, I want to change ...

As a senior who have went through more years in UKM, we all have something to say to our juniors, especially the newcomers. And not just a few things. Many things that we want to share, to tell and to advise. That's the thing about being a senior, we want to give out our experiences, our wisdom, and our stories. But surely, not all of them are can be related. Everyone has their own paths, and everyone experienced different things. Even for the same events, we perceive things differently. Even our goals are different. Some people emphasize on exam results, some on social networking, some on out-of-class activities, and maybe some just want to get through college life as soon quickly as possible. Some of us are really eager to give their piece of mind. Some just watched, then give their critics ("bajet jer nak tolong junior" and suchs). Most don't even care about their juniors. I want to find the balance between all these. I want to help the juniors, yes. I want t...

Last week has been stressful, and seems like this week will be the same too. You know, it's a normal life as a student, with so many assignments and tasks. Normal, but not necessarily easy. As I'm typing with really sleepy eyes, I feel like giving up on a few things. The list of things to do: 1. Etika - 5 reports and 1 assignment 2. Academic Communication II - Setting up interviews and preparations for conferences 3. Hubungan Etnik - Meeting with the lecturer to decide/inform on the research that we want to do 4. Pengenalan Pengurusan Perniagaan - Setting up and deciding on which company to visit, after being rejected by the first company (and they gave us a lot of hope. Fuck) 5. Permodelan Statistik - Test 2 today at 10 am.  That's just on the academic side. The non-academic stuffs? 1. Writing an answer scheme for FOUR papers which consisted of TWENTY FIVE questions each. They gave me the task on Friday and asked me to finish it by tomorrow. 2. Prepa...